midnight surgery

i have dissected your words
like a goddamned surgeon
searching for the cause
the host cell
the point of entry
where the end snuck in
i can see now
that i held the door open
with each
i love you
letting her in
she circled around our necks
like a scarf
what i thought was warmth
choking you
how is it that i can see so clearly now
not only did i let the end in
i invited her for fucking tea
adding an extra sugar cube
each time you told me to leave
and i pulled you in for another kiss
when i thought i was just grabbing your shirt
i now know that i was hiding her keys
i should have let go
ushered her out
hell, even left with her
leaving you with a coy smile
i shouldn’t have said those four letter words
so readily
so quickly
they spread
cancerous
looking back,
i knew
how many apologies did i form
when i should have just
fixed the problem
fixed me
been less intense
less vocal
less accommodating to the bitch
(who just watched me unravel
us
as she drank her sugar sweet tea)
just less
me

 

December 2, 2019

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