an original

she’s the kind of girl
who looks down
when you tell her she’s beautiful
and turns away
if you catch her staring
her hair is always tangled 
at the end of the day
and she knows how to smile
through the pain
she’s all too familiar
with the feeling of tears
running into her ears
because she only lets herself
cry in the dark
she will laugh at all of your jokes
and cares a little too much
about everything you say
she will love you
with every inch of flesh
inside of her
and will sit outside with you at night
just to watch the
moon and stars
she will fall asleep
at three am
with a book in her hand
and will leave your tshirts
with a faint scent of vanilla
she’s the kind of girl
who will give you her heart
without expecting anything in return
and one day
if you’re not careful
you will look back and realize
damn, she really did love me

 

December 21, 2019

 

just something people say

you promised i could be open
that nothing I said
would ever be
too much
you let me believe
i was safe
and important
as you listened to me
go on
and on
you heard
every dream
and every fantasy
i took you on a tour of my heart
let you wander the halls
and carve your name
in the restricted section
i guess i can’t be
too upset
because i was the one
who gave you
the fucking knife
but you were the one
who allowed me to discover
that i like
getting off on the pain
you swore i could be the real me
and you would love me
despite
and because
but i guess that’s
just something people say 

 

December 19, 2019

 

i take it back

which i love you
was it
that broke us?
what day did i say it
one too many times?
i wish i could figure out
which one
marked the beginning
of the end for you.
was it the one i whispered
while you kissed up my thighs?
or was it the one i said
through a smile
(like an idiot)
too confident
because you had just called me
beautiful.
which kiss
sent you over the edge?
was it the one where I grabbed you
too tightly,
or maybe when i
too eagerly
pulled you back into me?
which look did i hold too long?
and which part of my soul
did i bare too openly?
that whole thing about hindsight
being twenty twenty
is bullshit,
because
hard as i try,
and as often as i
rewind every word
and replay every kiss,
i can’t pinpoint the one
that made you
stop loving me.

 

December 18, 2019

taurus

you ran through
my china cabinet
heart
with no regard
treating the priceless pieces
like tupperware
not even bothering
to look back
as the leaning piles
tumbled to the floor
i shouldn’t have let you
stack them so high
but i had never had anyone
build me up
and i could never have imagined
the mess of shattered glass
you would leave behind
especially since you are the one
who created it from
sand

 

December 18, 2019

a few things i miss, in no particular order

the feeling of your breath on my neck
and your hands in my hair
the way you called me baby
and raced to say “i love you” first
the way you shared your heart
when you spoke about your day
the taste of your skin
and the sound of your moans
electricity
passion
fire
the way i felt protected in your arms
and safe being myself
and how you always used to make me feel
like i mattered

December 16, 2019

question marks

unanswered questions
stick to my throat
as i choke on words
and a mouth full of
question marks
i bite my tongue
and seal my lips
trying to keep them all in:

      do you miss the way my lips
      always seemed to
      instinctively find yours,
      the way my hand
      locates a light switch
      in a dark room?

     or the way four letter words
     rolled off my tongue?
      want…
           fuck…
                miss …
                     love…
      i wish i could set them free
      even just for one tiny second
      because they’re piling up
      in the back of my throat…

     speaking of…
     do you miss that? 

          i doubt it…

     but, do you ever wake up
     thinking of me?
     my sounds?
          (do you remember them?)
    and the way i
    grabbed and
    held tight?
         (pulling your hair
         or wrinkling your shirt)

     does your body still respond
     reflexively?

     is there any part of you
    that misses my
    open book heart?

   or the way my eyes
   could speak in
   complete sentences

    do you miss
    the “babies”
    and possessive pronouns?

    do you ever accidentally 
    think of me
    as yours
    and then get a pang in your chest
    and wonder how a world exists
    in which I am
    not? 

December 16, 2019