it was impossible
for her to walk this earth
and not notice his absence
she couldn’t breathe in the same air
and not smell his skin
when he left
he took with him
her desire to
kiss without fire
and love without passion
and in his pocket
he tucked her ability to exist
without him
December 21, 2019
she’s the kind of girl
who looks down
when you tell her she’s beautiful
and turns away
if you catch her staring
her hair is always tangled
at the end of the day
and she knows how to smile
through the pain
she’s all too familiar
with the feeling of tears
running into her ears
because she only lets herself
cry in the dark
she will laugh at all of your jokes
and cares a little too much
about everything you say
she will love you
with every inch of flesh
inside of her
and will sit outside with you at night
just to watch the
moon and stars
she will fall asleep
at three am
with a book in her hand
and will leave your tshirts
with a faint scent of vanilla
she’s the kind of girl
who will give you her heart
without expecting anything in return
and one day
if you’re not careful
you will look back and realize
damn, she really did love me
December 21, 2019
you promised i could be open
that nothing I said
would ever be
too much
you let me believe
i was safe
and important
as you listened to me
go on
and on
you heard
every dream
and every fantasy
i took you on a tour of my heart
let you wander the halls
and carve your name
in the restricted section
i guess i can’t be
too upset
because i was the one
who gave you
the fucking knife
but you were the one
who allowed me to discover
that i like
getting off on the pain
you swore i could be the real me
and you would love me
despite
and because
but i guess that’s
just something people say
December 19, 2019
which i love you
was it
that broke us?
what day did i say it
one too many times?
i wish i could figure out
which one
marked the beginning
of the end for you.
was it the one i whispered
while you kissed up my thighs?
or was it the one i said
through a smile
(like an idiot)
too confident
because you had just called me
beautiful.
which kiss
sent you over the edge?
was it the one where I grabbed you
too tightly,
or maybe when i
too eagerly
pulled you back into me?
which look did i hold too long?
and which part of my soul
did i bare too openly?
that whole thing about hindsight
being twenty twenty
is bullshit,
because
hard as i try,
and as often as i
rewind every word
and replay every kiss,
i can’t pinpoint the one
that made you
stop loving me.
December 18, 2019
you ran through
my china cabinet
heart
with no regard
treating the priceless pieces
like tupperware
not even bothering
to look back
as the leaning piles
tumbled to the floor
i shouldn’t have let you
stack them so high
but i had never had anyone
build me up
and i could never have imagined
the mess of shattered glass
you would leave behind
especially since you are the one
who created it from
sand
December 18, 2019
the feeling of your breath on my neck
and your hands in my hair
the way you called me baby
and raced to say “i love you” first
the way you shared your heart
when you spoke about your day
the taste of your skin
and the sound of your moans
electricity
passion
fire
the way i felt protected in your arms
and safe being myself
and how you always used to make me feel
like i mattered
December 16, 2019
unanswered questions
stick to my throat
as i choke on words
and a mouth full of
question marks
i bite my tongue
and seal my lips
trying to keep them all in:
do you miss the way my lips
always seemed to
instinctively find yours,
the way my hand
locates a light switch
in a dark room?
or the way four letter words
rolled off my tongue?
want…
fuck…
miss …
love…
i wish i could set them free
even just for one tiny second
because they’re piling up
in the back of my throat…
speaking of…
do you miss that?
i doubt it…
but, do you ever wake up
thinking of me?
my sounds?
(do you remember them?)
and the way i
grabbed and
held tight?
(pulling your hair
or wrinkling your shirt)
does your body still respond
reflexively?
is there any part of you
that misses my
open book heart?
or the way my eyes
could speak in
complete sentences
do you miss
the “babies”
and possessive pronouns?
do you ever accidentally
think of me
as yours
and then get a pang in your chest
and wonder how a world exists
in which I am
not?
December 16, 2019
